The Time I Stopped Writing My Missionary

It was an exciting time. First year of college, and I looked forward to the months ahead of embracing life on my own, and being in touch with a certain missionary through written letters and emails. Each week I held my breath in anticipation, hardly being able to wait for Monday morning to come along with the email from him that would brighten my week. If a little white envelope also happened to make its way into my mailbox, the week was even better.

Several months of this went by, and then suddenly one day, everything changed.

On Monday, January 6th, he (my missionary) sent me an email which wasn't like any of the others. He told me he had been feeling that he needed to be more focused on his mission and his purpose as a missionary. He said he felt that part of that meant leaving his affairs back home alone. He said he didn't know exactly what to do, but wanted my input on what I thought would be best for us.

I did a double take. What is he saying? What does this mean? No. It can't be. My mind began jumping to conclusions and a feeling of panic began to creep in. It felt like 20 pounds of bricks had suddenly been placed on my chest and it was hard to breathe. Questions and doubts began to swirl around in my mind and I felt confused and afraid.

Unable to process what I had just read, I had no other choice but to stumble through the rest of my day. For the next several hours, I couldn't focus as my thoughts drifted back to that email again and again.

It didn't really hit until I got back to my apartment later that evening. Bursting with excitement, my roommate squealed, "Guess who got a letter?!" It was in that precise moment I burst into tears. It hit me--that little white envelope would possibly hold the last letter I would read from him in a long time.

I was at a loss for words as my roommate held me and I continued to cry. Once I got my bearings together, I told her everything. She had recently gone through a break-up, so she knew to an extent what these emotions felt like.

I was confused. I was in disbelief. I was upset. I was torn. I was heartbroken.

These emotions were the beginning of a very, very difficult week. I knew I would get another email from him the following Monday, and I felt a sense of urgency to respond. But I didn't know how. I didn't know how, but I couldn't just sit still. Discouraged and confused, I turned to my Father in Heaven--both in prayer and through His words in the scriptures. Some comfort was found there, but the walls around my heart fought tirelessly to block out any help that was extended.

The day following the initial email, I sat down and opened my scriptures. I read and poured my heart out in prayer, desperately searching for an answer. Not knowing if the answer would come, and fearing what the answer might be, I sought an answer nonetheless.

After some time, it came.

"You need to stop writing him."

I stopped. My heart sank. Then it came again.

"You need to stop writing him."

My heart felt as if it had been instantly shattered. The answer came with gentle force and the tears welling up in my troubled eyes began to spill over. This is my answer? Why? How? Why now?

I was torn into pieces. In the days following the reveal of this answer were some of the hardest of my life. I was truly heartbroken. I loved him and I loved the Lord, but in my hardest of hearts wondered if this was asking too much.

But the more I poured out my heart in prayer, the more I asked, the more I thought about it, the more I wrestled with my own wants and desires, the more I knew it was the right decision. We needed to stop writing so he could focus much more on his mission.

Knowing it was the Lord's will didn't necessarily make it easier. I knew it would be a test of my strength, my obedience, my diligence, my love for him and my love for the Lord. But I knew we had to do it.

Shortly thereafter, I had the feeling that it would be okay to reach out and contact him every once in a while--like I would with other friends as they serve their missions. This eased the burden ever so slightly, but with a heavy heart, I knew this would still be one of the hardest decisions I would have to make and follow through with. I had no choice but to go forward, doing my best to have faith in this course correction that I never would have seen coming.

After painfully writing, rewording, and rewriting the hardest email I have ever had to compose, I was reluctant and anxious to hear how he would react to what I felt we should do.

I breathed the biggest sigh of relief when his response came back--nothing but acceptance and he embraced the decision completely. He told me he knew in his heart that this would be a test, but that afterwards we would both come out greater because of it. He felt he knew we would be blessed through our obedience to these promptings. I was grateful for the confirmation he received that this was the best decision, but my heart was still very heavy.

The next several months would prove to be a test of my willpower, my strength, and my obedience. At times under a pressure that left me feeling I would crumble. Time after time I have been tempted to disregard all I have felt to fall back on my own selfish wants and desires...but the Lord has helped me to restrain and to see a little bit more of the bigger picture.

Seeing it as my only option, I did the best I could to willingly take this leap of faith, and although faith doesn't make things easy, faith makes things possible . . . so I went forward.

*     *    *

Now, here I am, seven months later. I have finished my first year of college, and received a call to serve as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the state of Pennsylvania. Looking back, I don't have regrets. There were (and still are) times I wish I could email him to tell him everything. But I knew that wasn't part of the plan.

Though it seems impossible, somehow, deep down in my soul that still aches over this at times, I have a feeling that I will be grateful for this in the long run. I hope that I will be grateful and that he will be grateful too, whatever happens down the road. Most importantly, I take comfort in the knowledge that he and I were obedient specifically to what the Lord asked us to do...no matter how hard it has been.

*     *     *

I have learned a lot from this trial, but I don't want to sugar-coat it. The fact of the matter is that I miss him. A lot. Despite the clearer perspective I have gained, there are often moments, hours, and days where the heartache I feel is nearly impossible to bear. I still ask God why and wonder if it will be worth it in the end. I wish so badly I could see the future and see how this all pans out, but I can't. And it's a hard reality for me to accept. God has made this burden easier to bear, but the pain still surfaces and it is very real. Some days are better than others, but deep down I wish for the way it was before because I didn't feel the pain then that I do now. I get caught in these ruts and it is hard to be pulled out of them. But the Lord sends clear messages and light into my life that lifts me up and help me to press forward. The reality of my Savior through this is undeniable, but it doesn't mean that I am immune to hard days.

Opening up and sharing this experience has been eye-opening for me. I realize I have come a long way from the girl who read that email and was heartbroken. I know that for me, this experience is one my Father in Heaven is using to shape and mold me into something greater. And that growing has consisted of a lot of uncomfortable and painful stretching. I don't see the progress, but I know somehow He does. And I take great comfort in knowing that He believes I am worth refining.

One of the biggest things I have (re-)learned from all of this is that the Lord often asks us to do really hard things. Hard, difficult, soul-wrenching trials that seem unreachable, unconquerable, and seemingly impossible to overcome. But I am proof that no matter how impossible it may seem, nothing is impossible with the Lord. He is there always. In moments of purest bliss to moments of shattered heartbreak. He is there. His path is greater, higher, and more beautiful than we ever could have imagined, but it's up to us to take that first leap of faith.

I don't know what the future holds. But I do know my Father's plan is greater than any plans I could ever make for myself. I have seen that time and time again in my life and would never be able to deny that I know it to be true. I know my life is in His hands and whatever happens in the end is exactly how it is meant to be. I don't know exactly how it will be worth it, but I am doing my best to have faith in this plan that has been brought before me. My natural instincts do not want to solely rely on this trust or this faith, but I am doing my best to submit my will to the Lord, having faith that His plan will help me become who I am destined to become.

Amidst the heartache, I can't deny the blessings I have seen poured out in my life as I have obeyed the voice of the Lord. I testify that as your will is swallowed up in His, He will help you to feel joy, peace, and comfort, in whatever trial you are facing. At times it may feel that the light will never come--but it does. His strength is extended and it is what you have to rely on, and as you do, you will come out better and stronger than you were before.

Maybe you have gone through something like this. Maybe you haven't. Maybe you will one day. Maybe you won't. Whatever the case may be, I hope you are able to learn or take away something from my experience.

If you find yourself in a situation like mine, or a completely different circumstance in which the Lord asks you to do something hard for Him, I hope you never let go of your love for Him and your willingness to obey His will, no matter how impossible it seems. Though it will possibly be the hardest thing you have ever done, heavenly help will be extended to you that will enable you to endure. And it will be worth it. God has a plan and He knows you and your heart.

Love, Bri | xoxo

For some humor, go check out The 7 Stages of Waiting for a Missionary!

. . . . whether you're waiting for a missionary or not . . . . each one is hilarious.
(Plus this picture will make a lot more sense if you do ;))

The Call to Serve

I believe my final decision to serve a mission traces back to almost two years ago.

Ever since the beginning of my teenage years, I have talked about serving a mission. I had the desire to, but 21 seemed so far away and I didn't know what would happen from that time until I turned 21. Then the age change happened, which opened up the possibility to serve at 19. I felt that this was much more reachable and a much more reasonable goal. I felt like it was what I needed to do, but I knew that I also needed to be in tune and willing to follow God's plan for me.

Then I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. All the events surrounding that time are blurred in my mind. The pain I felt and experienced has been taken away thanks to my Savior. I still have memories of what a difficult time that was, but I truly have been healed.

After coming out of my surgery and healing wonderfully, I came to realize my life had been spared. I knew the gravity of the possibility that I wouldn't have made it...and yet a loving God chose to save me instead.

This is when I began to see a little bit more of the bigger picture. My life was not my own--it belonged to God. He was the One really in charge. He had saved me for some purpose--a purpose that I will strive the rest of my days to fulfill. My feelings towards hoping to serve a mission changed. I felt that it wasn't just something I wanted to do... it was something God needed me to do. So I went forward.

Filling out my mission papers and waiting for my mission call taught me some patience. It wasn't easy to wait, especially being the last out of several of my friends to receive her call.

But it finally came. And what a beautiful moment it was. Surrounded by dear family and friends, I opened my mission call that would tell me where I would be serving the Lord for 18 months of my life.

I was somewhat of a mess, because I could hardly believe this day had finally come, but I made it through, barely choking out the words on that one sheet of paper.

*    *    *

There ya have it, folks! I have been called to serve in Pennsylvania Pittsburgh mission. I am so very excited! I also am so happy and feel incredibly grateful and blessed. For some reason that's where the Lord needs me, and that is where I will happily go.

I have only begun to catch a glimpse of what I am signing up for. But I take great comfort knowing that I am not alone in this endeavor. I have a Father in Heaven and Savior who will be with me every step of the way. As I strive to become the missionary They need me to become, blessings will flow.

I am so very humbled to have received this call to serve. I can't even imagine how much the people of Pennsylvania will bless my life as I strive to serve them to the best of my ability. I know I will learn a lot from them, and a lot about myself. I know I will come to know more about my Savior and come to personally know Him.

I don't know exactly what my mission has in store, but I know it is exactly what the Lord needs me to be doing at this point in my life.

I know this gospel is true. I know it with every fiber of my being--if I didn't, I would not be agreeing to serve this mission.

God's love is real and it is available to each and every one of us! His light is what gives me hope each and every day, and the strength that comes from His atonement is what enables me to endure the adversities of life. I truly love this gospel with all of my heart and can't wait to share it with God's precious children in Pennsylvania!!

Thanks for reading!

Bri // xoxo

Prone to Wander...

I have been wandering. I have been drifting. I have been distancing myself from the Heavenly Beings I so desperately need to remain close to.

I was gently reminded of how far I really have been drifting. And immediately the words of a hymn were the words which described me perfectly:

"Prone to wander, Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love."

I am prone to wander. I have wandered. And I have become proud. But I have been humbled, for I realized that I could not go on like this. I need to change. I need to change today, right now, and decide to draw closer to my Heavenly Father and Savior, not drift away from Them.

What a blessing it is to have the enabling power of the Atonement who gives an imperfect being, like myself, the chance, the privilege, the ability to participate in miracles such as repentance, forgiveness, and change.

Change. Change is hard--even painful. This wandering, this drifting, is painful. And sometimes we don't realize the pain it has caused our souls until we realize we have inflicted it upon ourselves. But at the same time, wandering teaches you. Pain teaches you. Trials teach you. All of these things help you become molded into the glorious, eternal being that Heavenly Father knows you have the potential to become.

If you think you have wandered, it's never too late to come back to His arms. He is there, waiting with arms wide open. Always.

"Take my heart, oh, take and seal it... Seal it for Thy courts above."

Brianna

Sometimes it hurts to grow

Life. Life is so different now than it was even just a few short months ago. I've changed.

The people around my have changed. My perspective has changed. My love for others has changed.

My appreciation for education has changed. My love for life has changed. My independence has changed.

My testimony has changed.

I am learning. I am stretching. I am growing. I am hurting. I am healing. I am missing.

I am lonely. I am loving. I am happy.

I am so many things at this moment in time. My eyes have been opened and my heart has been softened.

I have been proud, I have been humbled.

I fall short every single day, and yet through the grace of my loving Savior, He picks me up and says, "It's okay. I know you're trying your best. Tomorrow is another day, and I promise we will get through it together."

I am learning new things about myself every single day. And it's hard.

But at the same time, I know it will be worth it.

It will all be worth it.

Every single experience I am going through is preparing me for something else. I know I am precisely on the path my Father in Heaven needs me to be on. I am exactly where He needs me. And I wouldn't have it any other way. . .

. . . even though sometimes it hurts to grow.

I will see you again

Three days ago, I said goodbye to one of my best friends in the whole entire world, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. We talked. We laughed. We cried. It was the most bittersweet mix of emotions. It was a night I didn't want to end, but goodbye arrived and we couldn't escape its undeniable reality. As I watched him drive away, I was in awe of the peace that filled my soul. I thought I knew for certain I would be falling apart at the seams, but in that moment, I was miraculously being held together by the Spirit of the Lord.

 

Here I am, a few days later, and it is really, really hard. I already miss him terribly. But when I really stop and think about it, I wouldn't have it any other way. It's difficult now, but I know without a doubt it will get easier as time goes on.

 

Today he embarks on a new adventure -- one in which he will serve the Lord and the people of McAllen, Texas. They truly have no idea how lucky they are. They are incredibly blessed to be the ones he has been sent to, to bring the light and joy of the gospel into their lives. He is going to do phenomenal things; I have no doubt about that. :)

 

 

For the next two and a half years, we will be on our own adventures writing the next few chapters of our stories. I am so excited to see what life has in store for each of us and see the change that takes place within each of our lives--a change for the better. It is going to be so amazing, and so absolutely worth it. And until then, I hold onto the knowledge that I will, one day, see him again.

 

 

"I will see you again; this is not where it ends.

I will carry you with me 'til I see you again."

All my love,

Brianna <3

Opposition

"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things."
(2 Nephi 2:11)

We are like pieces of coal. We have to undergo a lot of heat and pressure, but in the end, we will come out like a diamond. Beautiful, smooth, and unbreakable.

Our trials shape and refine us. If we endure them well, we will become the people Heavenly Father knows we can become.

"And thus we see that except the Lord doth chasten his people with many afflictions. . .they will not remember Him." (Helaman 12:3)

"Chasten" means redirect, to protect
The Lord chastens those He loves.
Unless we are given hardships, trials, and challenges, we will not remember Him.

Trials are essential for us to have joy. Joy, meaning, the potential to become like Heavenly Father. Unless we experience hard things, we cannot become like Him. (:

 "Continue in the faith. . .we must through much tribulation enter into the kingdom of God." (Acts 14:22)

Life is hard. That's how it is supposed to be. But we are never alone. Ever. We have a Savior who has suffered and descended below all things so He knows how to help us. He is always there if you will only turn to Him. He loves you more than you can comprehend.

Don't give up. Be strong and hold on.

With Love, Brianna

Brenden

Two years ago, today, my little brother, Brenden, was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, at the age of 7.  

Most people don't know a lot about this disease, so I will share what I have learned with you. (: Type 1 Diabetes is when your pancreas stops creating insulin.  Therefore, you have to manually give yourself insulin every time you eat something.  For us without this disease, every time food goes into our mouth, our pancreas starts putting insulin into our blood stream.  But for someone with Type 1, like Brenden, he has to give himself a shot of insulin for every meal, every snack, and when his blood sugar is too high.  He also has to poke his finger multiple times every day to make himself bleed so he can check his blood sugar.

This entire experience has been quite the roller coaster for him, as well as my entire family.  There are good days and bad, but he handles it extremely well.  You would never be able to guess that he deals with this every day, because he is the strongest, toughest 9 year old you will ever meet.

Brenden, you are my hero. 

Love you, bud. (: Stay strong.
Brianna <3

Your Happily Ever After

This past Sunday, one of my Laurel advisers gave a wonderful lesson that was centered around this talk, by President Uchtdorf. (He is my favorite!! :D)  This video captures the highlights:

 

This talk is incredible, and I know that it is, without a doubt, inspired for us as young women today.  If you haven't read it recently, I would strongly encourage you to do so. :)

 An amazing song, with the same title, by Jenny Phillips:

I want to testify that each and every one of these words are true.  I know that each of us have a "happily ever after" just waiting for us.  Along the way, however, we each will face temptation, trials, sadness, and heartache.  But these things are each just a part of the adversity we have to overcome in order to reach our "happily ever after".  Adversity will help us to learn and grow in ways that we never thought possible. And what is even more wonderful, is that the Lord is with us, every step of the way.

Never forget who you are.  A beautiful, courageous, and strong, daughter of a King. (:

With Love, Brianna